The Birth of Adoniah Jean Marie Leal

Ada’s birth was special and such a testament to the Lords goodness. A month before she was born I was given a word that her birth word was “generous” and it truly was.

I was due January 31st, which was right in the middle of a family vacation that my parents, brothers, grandmother, aunts, and cousins had all planned a year earlier. I prayed and prayed that Ada would make her appearance early. I hoped that she would be born right in the 38 week mark. At 35 weeks, we had to leave our home and move in with my parents temporarily while our home was repaired. At 36 weeks I started having some blood pressure issues and was put on bed rest until birth. I was going CRAZY and wanted her OUT asap. The last 4 weeks felt like torture being displaced, on bed rest, and excited to meet my baby.

God and Ada had a different plan though. 38 weeks passed, my family left for their trip, 39 weeks passed, and my patience was non-existent. I thank the Lord for the wonderful women he has put in my life that spoke into me during this time and encouraged me to trust His plan. I had false labor multiple times, once I even called my midwife and told her I thought it was time, only to text her 2 hours later that contractions had stopped.

By the time my due date passed, part of me hoped that labor would wait until my mom was home.

Thursday Feb 1st, I almost thought labor was beginning again. I contracted for 4 hours, but they never increased in intensity and I knew in my gut I wasn’t in labor.

Friday, Feb 2nd, my parents were on their way home. Throughout the day I had random and inconsistent contractions, just like I’d been having for 2 weeks at this point. At 10pm they mirrored the contractions from the night before. 10-20 mins apart, no increase in intensity. My parents arrived home at 10:30 and we got to chat about their trip. By 11:30 we all decided to get some sleep. As we said our good nights, my mom joking quipped, “just don’t have her tonight cause we’re tired and need sleep.”

At 2:05am I woke up to pee and noticed some cramping and more mild contractions. I easily ignored them and went back to bed, expecting that maybe in the morning or next day I’d actually go into labor.

At 2:35 I woke up with a start as my waters broke. I felt it pop through my whole body. I gently shook Ethan and told him what happened. I am fully convinced that God broke my water so that I would know I was in labor. I got to the bathroom and Ethan called my birth team to let them know it was time to come. At this point my contractions started raging at 2 mins apart. My mom helped Ethan prep things while I contracted on my birth ball. She then braided my hair and I asked both of them to pray with me over this birth. At 2:58(ish) my aunt, Morgan came in and at 3:03 my doula, Alysha came in. They supported me through contractions with Ethan and prayed with me. My best friend Tori arrived just a few minutes later.

I started to feel the need to push, at this moment I felt out of control. I thought it was way too soon to be at this stage. There’s no way I could be ready to push yet? But Alysha encouraged me to push if I felt the need and I couldn’t hold back. They very quickly got my midwife(who was on her way still) on the phone. With one push I got her head out, but her shoulders were much more difficult. Ada also had the cord around her neck, which my doula was carefully watching. After a few minutes my midwife them to have me shift positions into a lunge. As soon as I did that I felt the relief of Ada’s shoulders releasing and the rest of her came out. Ethan and Alysha grabbed her and Alysha removed the cord. They handed her to me as they relayed to my midwife on the phone that Ada was born at 3:13am. During the pushing phase Ely woke up to pee and my mom helped her to the bathroom, Evaline also woke up from the chaos and noise so my mom brought them out to meet their new baby sister. It was so special and magical. Shortly after I delivered the placenta. A little while later my midwife and her assistant arrived and clamped the cord and did their evaluations. Ethan and ely cut the cord and Ada was then weighed and measured. She was 21 1/4 inches long and 9lbs 4oz.

Evaline Mae’s birth story

On April 15th, 2022 I woke up at 1:45am to an intense contraction. I figured I was in early labor and ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. 3 minutes later I had another one that was accompanied with the urge to go to the bathroom. I tried to ignore it again and had another contraction almost immediately. At this point, I woke up my husband and told him I needed to go to the bathroom and that I thought I was in labor. He took Ely (she was cuddled next to me) And I went downstairs. After I went to the bathroom and had several intense contractions in there, I called my support team. I called my mom first so that she could arrive quickly, my aunt Morgan and a dear friend of mine, Alysha. My midwife had to wait for her assistant and said it would be probably an hour before she got there. I labored alone while I waited. I went to the bathroom again and went through transition in there. At one point I bent over my tub and cried out to God, “give me strength to do this” And I heard him say back, “I already have.” I went back into my living room and labored on my yoga ball and at 2:45am my aunt and mother arrived. Ethan came down at this point and my mom was with Ely. Ethan and Morgan quickly got to work trying to set up the tub for me to labor in. I labored on a mattress next to them while they verbally encouraged me. I started to feel like I needed to push, but I was in denial that I would need to push so soon. I told Morgan, “I feel like I need to push but it’s too soon!” after she encouraged me to relax into the contractions because every time I tried to relax my body would start pushing on its own. “Grace listen to your body. If it’s telling you to push then do it!” She told me. They finished blowing up the pool and started filling it. Around then Alysha arrived and started getting busy helping prep things. My body started pushing and Ethan came over and started applying counter pressure to my back.  I asked him if he could see the head, and he said no. Immediately after that I felt her turn and shift downward inside of me. I felt her start crowning and told Ethan, she’s coming! Morgan quickly got down next to him behind me and said, “oh! There’s a head!” She asked Ethan if we had any wipes and he got up to grab some. At this point, I felt the rest of her coming. “Ethan if you want to catch her you need to get over here now!” He quickly rushed back just in time to catch her as she came out. Evaline Mae Leal was born at 3:18am, April 15th 2022. 

After she was born they brought her between my legs and I took her and sat back. Ethan called the midwife and told her in shock that the baby was here. My midwife was still about 20 minutes away! About 15 mins later the placenta came. Once my midwife arrived she helped us with cutting the cord and inspected the placenta. There were some trailing membranes so she had to get those out of me. At this point I started losing quite a bit of blood and whenever she would do the uterine massage it would gush out. We waited until about 6am, she did 3 injections of pitocin and 1 of something else that was supposed to stop bleeding but it was still coming. At this point my BP was 82/60 so she tried placing an IV but because I had lost so much blood she couldn’t get a vein anywhere. It was at this point that we reluctantly decided to make a trip to the ER. I almost passed out multiple times walking to the car, Ethan stayed behind with Evaline. Once we got to the ER my BP started coming up on its own. They placed an IV(with great difficulty) and took like 8 vials of blood. The Dr came in and told me if they couldn’t stop the bleeding with an IV then they would need to take me to surgery. I firmly told him, “I will not consent to that unless it is the very last option.” I have done my research and I knew there were many things they could do before cutting me open. Thankfully, my bleeding began to slow and my BP continued to normalize. My blood work came back good so they discharged me after a little over an hour. We went home and I got my baby back in my arms. By then Ely had woken up and I missed her getting to meet her baby sister for the first time, but I’ve made peace with that. 

The craziest thing is that through the entire process the Lord’s peace was with us. I was never once worried about my health or Evaline’s. I felt so surrounded by His presence and comforted by it. He spoke to me throughout the entire process and encouraged me while I labored alone, birthed without my midwife and took a trip to the ER. I just knew that He was in control and I didn’t need to worry about anything. It didn’t feel frantic and crazy, even though in retrospect it was super intense! At the time I just soaked in His Spirit and love.

 This labor experience was so different from my last. In so many ways it was exactly what I wanted but in others it went so against what I had pictured in my head. It was empowering, humbling, and strengthening all at the same time. 

My Pregnancy and Birth

   A year ago today I found out I was pregnant. I remember the shock I felt at seeing those two lines, after months and months of one. I hadn’t even planned to take a test, seeing as I had gone to the doctor the day before and they made me do a test which came up as negative. I had a box of pregnancy tests arrive in the mail, and planned to put them away and wait for my period to come. I had decided I was done trying, the mental exhaustion and heartache of negative after negative was getting to me. I knew God would give us our little one when it was time, so I had decided to give up and focus on fixing my body and getting into shape and wait for that to happen. I ordered tests off Amazon because I could buy them in bulk for cheaper, plus it was more private. Throughout our whole journey I only told a few people we were trying, I hadn’t even told my own parents because we didn’t want anyone asking why we weren’t pregnant yet. I felt like a failure as a woman because my body wasn’t working, in fact, for our whole year of trying I only had 4 periods. 

   So what possessed me to take another test? I attribute it to God because I don’t know if there is any one specific reason. Maybe habit, as I was so used to testing, but I really think it was God’s quiet voice. When the test came up positive I was so in shock I started laughing. I couldn’t believe it, so I took another test. That one had a line too, what? No way. Another. A digital, those don’t lie. It’s going to be negative. The word pregnant popped on the screen and I just stared at the test, shaking. I was pregnant. I knew how I planned to tell Ethan, but decided to wait until the next day. I tried to act as normal as possible but I was so shaky and giddy, I couldn’t hold it in. I quickly grabbed the pregnancy tests and a onsie I had bought almost a year earlier and shoved them into a gift bag. I took the bag to him and told him I had gotten him a gift, just because I loved him. He pulled out the onsie but I could tell he wasn’t registering what I was showing him so I told him to look at the tests. Is this a joke? Are you pranking me? No way! He started laughing as I reassured him that it was not a joke, I was pregnant. We spent the evening laughing, cuddling, and in prayer, overjoyed by our news, praising God for answering our prayers and giving us such a special gift. 

     After the weekend I called my doctor and told her I had 5(yes I took two more for reassurance) tests and they were all positive. She had me come in for a blood draw to check my levels. We were told it would be two days before we heard back. By this point we were confident that God had blessed us with a baby, but I was nervous and scared. I have Polycystic ovarian syndrome, and 2 out of 4 women with it miscarry, but we knew God would protect our baby. When we got the results my hcg levels were low, and my doctor said “not to count on this pregnancy lasting”. Which was terrifying to hear, but I immediately switched doctors. Any doctor that felt it was okay to say something like that (and in the way she said it) was not a doctor I wanted. I got my hcg retested 2 days later, and they did an ultrasound where we saw the gestational sac and the yolk, so I was super early along. We told our immediate family as soon as possible, then told extended family between 6-10 weeks, and announced it publicly at 12 weeks. 

    I had a fairly easy pregnancy and I loved being pregnant so much. I had some morning sickness but was able to manage it well. I had a feeling that baby was a girl from the very beginning. I just knew. When I saw her name, before we knew the gender, it confirmed my feelings even more. I felt God say, this is her name. Eliyanah, “He has answered me” “Sun ray, or shining light”. We both felt it was perfect. We got to find out the gender with our friends and family at a gender reveal party, and I was right, “it” was a she! We were overjoyed. As my pregnancy progressed I soaked it up. I got to have an amazing baby shower…

   Then covid hit. We saw hospitals changing policies, baby showers get cancelled, fear everywhere. Ethan was furloughed, but we were thankful for the extra time together before our life changed forever. 

   At 36 weeks we made the decision to switch to a midwife and have a home birth. We were intimidated by the idea but felt it was best. I was not going to give birth without my husband and mom for support. After we decided to switch I started swelling a lot. My blood pressure was stable though, so my midwife felt I was okay. 

    At 38 weeks I thought I was going into labor after having contractions for 7 hours, but they never got any worse or closer together and then stopped. Slowly my blood pressure began to spike, and we got more and more nervous about me continuing to stay pregnant. I was doing everything I could to induce labor. Every trick in the book. I was SO ready to have my baby. 

   At 39 weeks and 2 days my midwife came to check on me. I had had more contractions earlier, but they again went away. She checked my cervix and was shocked to find that I was 5.5cm dilated already. She said she was shocked I wasn’t in labor yet and said that due to my swelling and BP she wanted to see if we could try some herbs to push me over the edge into labor. Within an hour I started having mild contractions, similar to the ones I’d been having for weeks. About 3 hours later she checked me again, and I was only at 6 cm. My midwife said she thought we were in for a long night. Within 10 mins of that check my contractions started escalating a lot. I wasn’t able to focus on conversation and was so hot. I asked for a cool bath, and stayed in there for quite awhile. At that point I also asked my mom to call my aunt Morgan, who I had asked to be there to help support me as well. Ethan helped me through contractions, reminding me to breathe and timing contractions. I was having them about 1-2 mins apart for about 1-2 mins each. I was so uncomfortable, but I felt in control and was trusting my body. Once my aunt got there she suggested sitting on my toilet backwards, to help with dilation. I stayed that way for about an hour or two with my supporters reminding me to relax, breathe, and praying over me. She then encouraged me to stand and sway with Ethan while Morgan and my mom got our room ready for the birth. My midwife checked in occasionally, seeing Eliyanah’s heartbeat and my BP. 

    Pretty much as soon as we went downstairs I felt the need to push. To be completely honest, I HATED pushing. It sucked. I had a hard time remembering to listen to my body, and the way my midwife told me to push was confusing to me. After about 40 mins of pushing, Eliyanah Joy Leal was born. She needed two breaths of air before she started crying, and then was laid on my chest. I remember thinking she was so small and squishy. I was afraid to move her, that I would break her. I was overwhelmed with love for her, it was like nothing I had ever experienced. She was MINE. I MADE her. I was in awe of what my body had done. I kept telling Ethan, “Can you believe I did that??? Like. I birthed her .” I felt so at peace at home, I didn’t have to worry about nurses bugging us all the time and after about two hours of getting things sorted, we settled into bed to sleep for the first time as parents. I couldn’t let her out of my arms and held her close to me all night. 

    Looking back it’s so foggy, yet also seems so clear. I can’t believe that a year ago I learned I was pregnant and now I have a 16 week old baby. I am so blessed. This past year has been so full of love and excitement, but also fear and discomfort. Through it all God had guided us and shown us His glory. I love His incredible and perfect design. 

My Personal Revelation

*Long post alert*

Wow, it has been a minute. Life has been so busy of late I almost forgot my about this completely. I apologize for being so absent this last year. Married life is so much busier than I could have ever imagined, but also wonderful.

Now, what I’m sharing today is something that God has been doing in my heart lately. Honestly the only reason I’m sharing it is because I want to claim it. The enemy has already been trying to push it away from me again and fight me on it. Well, I’m not about to let that happen. Please realize that this is a hugely intimate thing I’m sharing with you. Something between me and God. So as you read please remember that. I don’t have to share this. But I want to. So I’ll start with some background for you all to understand.

We all have talents and roles as Christians, and God has gifted me. But with those gifts that he has given I have allowed in so much fear. I even struggle saying them because I am afraid to sound arrogant, but just know that all of my gifts come from God and they are not “my” gifts. They are His given to me. That being said, He has given me gifts of prophecy, wisdom, and words of knowledge. For years I’ve struggled with them. I’ve fought them. I’ve told myself I am not good enough for God to trust me with those things. I’ve let fear control not only my daily life, but also my spiritual life. I remember about 5 years ago was the first time I ran from what God told me to say. It wasn’t even anything big, just a small prophetic word for someone I knew. But I told myself, and God that I wasn’t the right person for it. I didn’t like this person, in fact, I hated her. I didn’t want to see God do things in her life, and I told myself that she wouldn’t listen to me anyways. Well, funnily enough the exact thing I was supposed to say to her was preached about that day. I felt God say, “fine, if you won’t do it I’ll have someone else”. Right then and there I had set my identity. Time and Time again I ran. Whether it was out of fear, hate or denial, I ran from God’s purpose for me. Unless it was something I wanted to say of course, the easy stuff. But anyone who has prophetic giftings knows that “easy” words don’t come often. It was about 4 years ago that someone first told me(in a prophetic word, ironically) that I was Jonah. Even that I denied.

As time went on and I grew closer to God I stepped out of my comfort zone a little bit. Sometimes I would say the hard things. But I still doubted every step I took. And when really difficult ones came along you can bet that I was on my metaphorical ship sailing in the opposite direction. And like Jonah, God would pull me back to where he wanted me. He didn’t let me get out of it anymore. This next part is going to sound bad, but it’s all part of the narrative. So, as all this had gone on, a friend came to me with a prophetic word, and she told me, that I was like Jonah(imagine that). And that I knew I was like Jonah, but I kept running away even so. She reminded me of how in Jonah, after going to Nineveh, went to the top of the mountain and watched and waited for 3 days to see the city be destroyed. He was filled with anger when it wasn’t. “He prayed to the Lord , “Isn’t this what I said, Lord , when I was still at home? That is what I tried to forestall by fleeing to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. Now, Lord , take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.” But the Lord replied, “Is it right for you to be angry?”
Jonah 4:2‭-‬4 NIV He was literally so mad that he wanted to Die instead of see God show mercy. And honestly, I was like that too. You see, 3 years ago I hated people. All people. They didn’t matter to me. I didn’t care about them. I cared about me, and I cared about God. But when God says “love your neighbor” He didn’t really mean, love them, right? Wrong. But that’s what I convinced myself. I hated seeing Him bless people with His grace and mercy. I wanted to see them struggle. As awful as that sounds, I had convinced myself that people didn’t care about me and I didn’t care about them. That was the place I was in. Always running, and I knew it too.

Fast forward to this January. Over the last 2 years God has been making changes in my life, little changes, but it all adds up. I was talking to my cousin and she turned to me and said, “you know, it’s crazy seeing how much you’ve changed.” And of course I was like, “what? How have I changed?” And what she said shocked me. “well, I remember you used to hate people so much. You didn’t care about them, you didn’t want to see people happy”(as I’ve already established)”but now, you’ve been talking for 20 mins about how much you love people, how you want to help people, how your heart breaks when you see people that you used to not care about at all make mistakes. It’s just weird.” Now, this blew my mind. This whole time I hadn’t realized that I had changed. But the more I thought about I realized the change in me. So that was the start.

Fast forward to May. Oh man, April and May were so challenging. I was really stretched then. Anyways, I had my cousin come over to pray with me. I was just searching for God’s guidance on what to do with my life career wise. I was so uncertain about everything. So she came over, and she shared that she had felt God say one thing to her on her way over. He said that I needed a new name. I was no longer Jonah. I was kind of surprised, but I could see it. (I’ve left out a lot of the story, and a lot of times I wanted to be Jonah but was obedient to Him) So I started wondering what my new name was supposed to be. I had been Jonah for so long, who was I?

Fast forward for the last time. To this week. To last night. I was supposed to go to bed, I had practice for my school state tests in the morning, and I knew I should sleep. But I decided to read my Bible a little bit first for some encouragement. As I was reading I felt led to turn on some worship music, and I started praying. I had a real heart to heart with God, and focused on just worshipping and talking to Him. After probably a half hour I was like, “okay God, we’re done here right? I gotta sleep now so… I’m boutta head out.” And I felt His whisper, “I’m not done with you yet” “um, if you’re not done then… What’s next? What is it?” “Keep worshipping. Get in this with me” “um, okay God, I can do that?” So I started worshipping again and praying. I asked Him why He hadn’t given me a new name yet. He said, “you haven’t really asked me. You’ve talked about it, but you haven’t asked.” So I asked. He whispered it. I kind of didn’t believe Him. I argued. It was so simple. It wasn’t even a real name. How could that be it? He had to be mistaken. Again he whispered it. He told me to say it. To claim it.

“Daughter”

As simple as that. “daughter” I thought it over and over. Through tears then laughter. I was His daughter. And that was the only identity I needed. I didn’t need some other name. I didn’t need to be a reincarnation of an old Bible hero. I am Grace. And I am His daughter.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9‭-‬10 NIV

Forgiveness is Freedom

I haven’t posted a blog in awhile. That’s partially because of the holiday season, and partially from a lack of motivation. It’s been a crazy season of life for me, and although I’ve felt inspired for many things, I think this particular topic is the most relevant to my life right now.

I’ve always struggled with forgiveness. Oh man, I used to be the queen of holding grudges, and it’s still something I struggle with to this day. But forgiveness is so important for many reasons. I will go through many of the reasons, but I want to start by discussing being unforgiving first.

Often times when people are hurt by someone, they want to hurt that person in return. They think it will solve their pain. By inflicting pain on others it should resolve your own, right? No, unfortunately it does not. There have been many times I have chosen to hold a grudge or not forgive someone instead of letting it go. There was once that my SO made an important decision that effected the both of us, at the time I told him that it was fine, I understand, I’m totally okay with it, but in my heart I was not. I was upset and petty. I held it against him for many months. Every time we were together I was rude and mean to him, and justifying it “because he hurt me first.” (Just to be clear, he didn’t do anything wrong, in fact he made the right decision for us, I just didn’t want to accept it.) I ended up pushing him so far that he was almost ready to give up on our relationship. Luckily for me, he spoke to his father about it and his dad told him not to give up. But because of my unforgiving heart I almost lost my soul mate, and the love of my life. After that, I realized that I was wasting my time by staying angry. The only thing that would change was my relationship status. I forgave him, and in return had to ask for forgiveness. After that our relationship completely changed. We were able to communicate better, work through fights better, and since then we haven’t even come close to fighting that badly again. See, my unforgiving soul was what led me to the brink of losing the best thing I’d ever had. I think people will often find that hold out on forgiveness and allowing oneself to revel in their pain only brings more pain, resentment, and bitterness.

This leads me to my next point,

Forgiveness allows someone to experience freedom. One might think that’s its easier to stay angry, but it actually takes a lot of energy. It’s draining to stay mean and upset. Yet, when you allow yourself to let go of anger, pain, bitterness, and resentment it is like a breath of fresh air. Its not always easy, and sometimes it seems easier to stay mad, but in the long run it’s much easier. Especially because situations are fleeting. It takes a lot of time for focus on a single incident with one person for several months/Years. Forgiveness also helps by improve relationships. With big things, it is okay to be upset. In fact, you can even be upset whilst forgiving someone. Healing from hurt takes time, but forgiveness can be much quicker. When someone messes up, they know they did. Many people feel that guilt and blame themselves already, they don’t need to be reminded of it every time an argument comes up. When you allow yourself to let it go and forgive someone it creates a more positive energy between the two people. At this point, BOTH people are able to move on and grow closer together.

Even from a biblical standpoint, we are called to forgive. “Forgive me as I forgive others.” Is even part of the Lord’s Prayer. When we forgive it opens us up to being forgiven. If you are always holding grudges and reminding people of their mistakes then when you make a mistake they will be much less likely to give you grace in your life. Holding out on forgiveness prevents so many good things from happening in your life and only produces negativity.

In conclusion, forgiveness is one of the most selfless and freeing acts a person can do. It is full of grace and mercy. It’s not always easy to do, but in the end it has much greater benefits in almost every aspect of life. You will find yourself much happier, open, and able to cultivate positive relationships if you choose forgiveness over hate and resentment.

The Contents of my Heart

I haven’t written a blog in quite awhile, I’ve been incredibly busy with holidays and school and work This article opens up my heart a little more than my past ones have. This one is about me as a person, and some things I’ve been experiencing. I’m not looking for a bunch of sympathy or anything, I’m not looking for people to say, “oh poor Grace.”, I just want to share my heart and get it off my chest.

In high school I was a straight A student. Then I went to running start, which is some colleges initiative to start students in college early. I started that in 11th grade of high school. I had a plan for my future. I was going to get my associates of arts degree, then transfer to a 4 year University where I was going to get my degree in psychology and after that I was going to get my masters in counseling. Then, my senior year I screwed up. I waited until my last quarter of school to take my math course that I needed. We had to test into the course, and I avoided it until the last moment because I didn’t feel very confident in my math skills. And, unfortunately, I failed the test. I was placed in math 96, meaning I take to take math 99 and math 107 before being able to graduate. This was earth shattering for me. I wasn’t used to failing anything. In fact, I don’t remember failing anything until this happened. But I started the course and told myself I’d be fine. I decided to take math 99 online over the summer 7 week course. Of course, during this time I was in Montana for a summer internship(one of the best experiences of my life, but that’s for another blog) and I was really struggling to keep up on the course while working full time in an area I wasn’t used to. So I dropped the class and told myself I could take it in fall and I’d be fine. I’d still finish school by winter quarter. Fast forward to math 99 fall course. I was feeling very discouraged and disappointed in myself. I was upset that I had waited so long and regretted my choices. I couldn’t even transfer to a 4 year because they wouldn’t accept my credits. So here I was, stuck in a class that will do me no good in my future career and already struggling to keep up. I missed class a few times due to my car breaking down on me and getting sick. I failed my first test. I was again, shattered. My second test I did very well on, I think I got a 95. But my overall course grade was still quite low. I couldn’t even make up the rest I failed due to class policy. The third test I felt very confident in. I thought I had gotten a B. At the very lowest a C. I got a D-. My grade in the course again plummeted. I doubted everything at that point. I thought I had done so well and somehow ended up getting a terrible grade. I had 3 weeks to get my grade up. Then we started studying things that I still have no clue on how to do. Absolutely I idea what it is or how to do it. I reached out to my Facebook friends about maybe getting some tutoring. My high school math teacher reached out to me about it and we met last Monday to study. It helped a bit, but there gets to be a certain point that a person feels so far behind it feels impossible to get back up and that’s where I feel I am. I have one week of school left and I have no idea how I’m going to pass the class. Even if I got a straightA on my next test and final would it even be possible?

I have felt so powerless, so out of control, so lost, I have no clue how to move forward. If I fail it means I will have to retake the class, leaving me an entire year behind. People have told me I’m stressing myself out too much and I don’t have to be exactly on my timeline, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. I feel like I have failed. I failed the one thing I was good at, school. I don’t understand why I struggle so much with math. I just want to be good at it. I feel like there is a learning experience in this all. I know there is but it’s killing me. I’m not used to failure. I’m not used to this sort of difficulty. I don’t like it either. I know that I will eventually be fine and look back at how everything has worked out but right now I am just feeling so lost and discouraged. This whole thing has made me wonder about my entire future. Am I even supposed to finish school? Am I supposed to do counseling? Or was that just some dream I had in high school? There are so many questions constantly reeling in my head that I have no answer to and no idea how to answer them. I pray, I seek the Lord on it, but I still feel like I have no answers. I’m stuck in this place that I don’t even need for my future. Part of me wants to just transfer and let whatever credits transfer that they allow and retake the others but then the other part of me says that I only have one credit left and should just finish it even if I have more classes to take. It’s… definitely something that has been eating me from the inside out. I feel like I’m suffocating and I’m not sure how to make it stop or what to do. Anyways, that’s basically the place of my heart currently. I suppose I’ll figure it out eventually and it’ll be okay, I just want that day to be today instead of who knows how far away. I’m trying to remind myself to trust in the Lord and let him guide me.

Identity: A Poem

Why am I here?

Is this where I belong?

Who am I?

What do I want out of life?

I ask myself these questions

on days I can hardly bring myself

to leave my bed.

I don’t know what I want.

I don’t know who I am.

I can’t help but lay here in agony

over these questions

that won’t leave my brain.

Why do I even exist?

I would not even be missed

if I were to end it all

and leave this world behind…

*Five years later*

Safe,

Warm,

Valued,

I am Confident

I am Hapy

I know who I am and where I belong

Sometimes, all it takes is time

to figure out the answers

to the questions reeling in ones head.

I am here not for myself,

But for others.

I have a duty

on this earth

to help those I can.

I am Proud of who I am.

via Daily Prompt: Identity

The Roles of a Godly Wife

“An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life” Proverbs 31:10

In my last blog I addressed people coming down on my future husband and I for our young union. After I wrote the blog I pondered for several days what my next one should be about. I have so many thoughts and things I would like to share with people, but I feel many of those things are half finished thoughts that no one will care about.

Throughout my relationship with Ethan I’ve often thought of the roles of a wife. I knew that I someday wanted to be his wife, and I wanted to know what my job as a wife will be. Once we got engaged I became really interested in it, it is important to know one’s roles in a marriage for it to succeed. My goal is to be the best wife for Ethan that I can be. After doing much research and observing the Godly women in my life I have discovered many of the markings of a good wife and her roles in a marriage. A wife has many roles in a married, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

Let’s start by looking at the physical roles of a wife. Proverbs 31 is one of the best chapters to look at that addresses a good wife and her roles. I love the chapter, and since becoming engaged I’ve tried to read it and study it as much as possible. There are many things that a wife needs to do physically. A Godly wife is to attend to her household. This means something a little different for each home, but the value of it and necessity of it remains the same. It means not allowing the home to fall into shambles. It means keeping the house itself to a certain standard. It means having a kitchen full of food for the husband and children. For some women it means cooking every meal, cleaning every part of the house, making sure that everything is in its place. For those women that is good. It might also mean assigning others to help the wife in her tasks, such as having children help with chores, or asking her husband to do certain tasks. For some women, in order to take care of her household she keeps a job so that she can make sure that her family has access to their financial needs.

I sometimes get frustrated by the argument so many Christian women have about whether a wife should work or not and which wife is better for it. In the modern day that we live in it is a blessing for a wife to be able to stay home instead of having to work. It means that her family is well off and can be supported by a husbands wage alone. The issue with the argument of which is better is that 43.1 million people live on the poverty line in the United States. Even those living in the middle class do not have it easy, and many married couples that are in the middle class have to have both partners working to keep themselves there. We do not have the luxury to stay at home and take care of the home in the same way that we used to. Every household has different needs and different ways for a wife to take care of those needs, but the important thing is that she is taking care of those things.

Another physical role of a wife is on a bit of a more intimate level. This is something I do not know very much about, since I am not married yet, and what I do know is not from personal experience. It is what I have learned from the women in my life and other research I’ve done on the roles of a wife. The Bible tells us to give ourselves to each other freely when in the covenant of marriage. It has also been proven time and time again how incredibly important sex is when maintaining a relationship. A wife should give herself to her husband. I’m not saying that a wife has to be like a sex toy for her husband, there are some time that it just won’t happen and a husband cannot force his wife to be intimate with him. The main thing is that a wife should never use sex as a weapon against her husband or withhold it from him out of spite or anger. That is so incredibly damaging to a relationship and to a husband, himself.  It makes him feel uncared for and manipulated. It ruins his esteem and he begins to lose faith in his wife when she does this. Sex is a very powerful force, it was made to be beautiful in the covenant of marriage in order to bring two people closer together and make them one. When it is withheld for selfish reasons it tears that bond.

Now I want to look at the spiritual role of a wife. This also ties into the emotional side, so they kind of overlap. A wife is under her husband spiritually. He is her covering, as the Bible states. It is a wife’s job to discern. Women are supposed to be able to discern the atmosphere of the household spiritually, and they are to learn their children’s and husband’s heart. They are also tasked to pray. They are to pray for their home, their children, their husband, and fight spiritual battles for them. A woman is to create an atmosphere of peace in her home so that her husband and children can find refuge. It is also a woman’s job to teach her children the word of God and how to follow him. While the husband is the head of the household and ultimately responsible for his family’s spiritual standing, the wife is to help him by teaching her children of God daily.

The last role of the wife I am addressing is emotionally. The Bible states that a wife is to be her husband’s helpmate. He saw Adam alone in the garden and saw that it wasn’t good, that a piece was missing. That piece was the wife. She is to be there to support her husband’s emotional needs. Everyone has heard the phrase, “If momma ain’t happy; ain’t no one happy.” This saying rings true. A wife/mother sets the tone of the entire household. Her mood influences the home tremendously. This is why it is so important for a wife to be fulfilling her role as a Godly wife. It is her job to create peace in the home, as I mentioned before, yet there is much more to it than just that. A wife is to be there for her husband’s emotional needs just as much as she is for his spiritual and physical. She is to be his comforter, his strength, his voucher; she is to listen to him as he tells her the things in his life and be there for him when he needs her. She is the person that he should be able to trust fully and let himself be completely vulnerable with her. She is also to be the emotional support of her children.

The last, and biggest role of a wife encompasses all of these things. The physical, emotional, and spiritual fulfillment of a wife’s roles is submission. Groan… cringe… am I right? I used to struggle so much with the concept of submission, but when the bible talks about a wife’s role-the main one, mentioned almost every time, is submission. A wife is to submit to her husband as he is the head of her household like Christ is to the church(Ephesians 5:22-24). A husband is literally compared to Christ in this verse and that should mean something significant to Christian women. In today’s day and age it is hard to not be influenced by the feminist movement. This movement has grown completely out of control and corrupt. It is now the idea that men are inferior to women, and women will do whatever possible to remind men of this. I think that the word “submission” often has misconceptions about its meaning. We think it means that you are no longer your own person, just a slave for your husband to do what he wills with. Submission doesn’t mean losing yourself in the shadow of your husband. It doesn’t mean not having an opinion. It doesn’t mean that a wife is some powerless mouse, cowering in the corner. These are all so far from the truth that it hurts me. See, just as women have roles in a marriage so do men. Their role is to honor and love their wife as Christ has loved the church. Has Christ ever abused His power and authority over the church? Have we ever been afraid of that happening? No, He has not. If a husband is fulfilling his role as a husband then he is not going to abuse his authority over his household and it is joyus for a wife to submit to her husband, as we joyously(usually) submit to Christ. Submission is the act of accepting a power/authority. A wife must humble herself in order to submit herself fully to her husband, she must respect and honor him, she must trust him completely. When she does these things it isn’t difficult to be submissive, in fact, as I said before, it is joyus. Not that there won’t be moments when a wife doesn’t want to submit. We are humans, which means that we are not perfect. A husband will not always make the right decision or be the husband he is called to be and a wife will not always submit in the way that she should.

Marriage is complicated. It takes effort and dedication. It is worked for daily. In order for a marriage to succeed, each partner must be fulfilling their role and looking to God in order to help them achieve that. As the two people grow closer to God and work towards Him, they grow closer together. I look forward to becoming a wife, and learning more and more my role as a wife. I know it will be a long and learning process but I trust God to guide me through it. I also know that there is so much more to being a wife than the few things I have listed, but since this is already so long I will stop here. Thank you for reading.

My upcoming Marriage

As Ethan and I prepare for our union this next February,  we both have gotten comments on our age. I have had so many people tell me that I’m too young to get married. They tell me that I don’t know what I want in life yet. That I need to get out and experience more things before I make such a final decision. But here’s the thing about that, I do know what I want in life. I have my 15 year plan set in place. I know that it may not work out exactly as I want it to, but I know that my marriage is the start of that life. 

See, the only reason that people are against marriage at such a young age is because young adults in this day and age do not know anything about commitment. They spent their entire lives being told that they can do whatever they want, but most of them don’t know what they want. They don’t know what kind of life they want to live. How is it that we are expected to decide what job we want for the rest of our life, what college we want to go to, Who we want to be our next president of the United States, but we can’t chose our life partner? All of those examples are done at age 18, yet for some reason it is so incredibly hard for people to imagine someone getting married at 18. All of these things are big commitments. These are life-changing events.
 Ethan and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We had many ups and downs, but we’ve learned how to communicate in a way that many married couples of 12 years don’t know how to do. I’m not saying that our relationship is better than anyone else’s, it definitely has its faults. But we’ve grown together for 2 1/2 years. We’ve learned who we are apart from one another and who we are as a couple. We have the opportunity to grow together, to figure out the world with one another, instead of trying to do it all alone. That in itself is a wonderful gift given to us because of our young union. 

People say “why not wait just another couple years? What’s the difference?” The difference is that I don’t want to wait. I want to start my life with the person that I care about more than any other. I want to make the commitment to him to be his forever. I don’t want childish romance. I don’t want to think that there’s somebody better out there, and then end up wasting myself for people that could give no cares about me. Ethan values me, he respects me, he honors me. He loves God, and wants to honor him in all that he does. And that to me is better than anything else. 
We choose each other every single day. We choose love every single day and it’s not always easy. We’ve had our great deal of fights. But at the end of the day it’s not about me. At the end of the day it’s about us. It’s about being selfless in a relationship and not always winning an argument. It’s about putting him first, and me second. As he puts me first, and himself second. It’s about forgiveness, it’s about letting go of the past mistakes and moving forward in our relationship. It’s about learning from those mistakes and taking those mistakes and turning them into something beautiful.

 I realize that marriage is not going to be easy. I realize that there will be some days that I don’t even want to look at him. But I also realize that the next day I might love him even more than ever before. I realize that love, true love, isn’t just based in emotion; it’s based in commitment, forgiveness, sacrifice, selflessness, and communication. The Bible clearly lays out what marriage is supposed to look like and explains the roles of a husband and wife. And I know that if we both commit ourselves to following those guidelines our marriage will be safe, secure, and happy. 
Ephesians 5:21-34 is very clear on its expectations of a husband and wife relationship. Proverbs 31 tells what makes a wife a blessing. They aren’t the only verses that spell out what a marriage relationship is supposed to look like either. I am to be Ethan‘s bride, as the church is the bride of the Father. I understand that duty, that role, that I play in our relationship. And I know ethan understands his. 

 I have faith in us, because I have faith in God and His plan for our lives. We have set ourselves apart from the world so that our relationship will thrive. I am so excited to start my life with him and with God as the center of our relationship. I want to start that life as soon as possible. All things are possible through God, I hold to that, knowing that with God my marriage will thrive until death do us part. 

Express

Expression comes in many shapes and forms. To me, express means to share something of importance. Expression is necessary in any form of communication. Without expression people cannot tell others their thoughts, feelings, beliefs. Expression is vulnerable. It is courageous. It is freeing. Without expression we are nothing. It is why we do things such as write blogs.

When I hear the word express I think of emotions. Maybe because I am a very emotionally expressive person. Everyone has their own way of doing it. Some use words, some use actions, some express their emotions only to themselves, leaving a mask for others to see. Expression takes being vulnerable with others and to trust others with ones emotions. This can be very difficult for some, as it isn’t easy. We fear how others will respond so our expressions of our feelings. I hate being vulnerable. In fact, I do this in order to help myself overcome that. It is terrifying to know that someone will be able to see my true feelings, my heart-but we need expression to cultivate healthy relationships. It is absolutely necessary.

via Daily Prompt: Express